It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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