remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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