You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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