You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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