I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
