see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize