He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
