today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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