she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
