Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
