Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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