this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My dick has a subreddit
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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