she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
