The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
