Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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