Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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