I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
