Screwed.edu
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
