He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
