Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
