Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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