I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
