just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
