I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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