I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
