Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
