Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
