All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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