I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You are a genius and a whore.
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