this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am available for nakedness
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
