i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
