also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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