i can't believe i had my finger in that
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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