Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
