I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
