I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
