I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
