I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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