Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
