Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
