my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
