On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
