so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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