I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
