This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
