my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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