Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
