yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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