Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
