Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
