btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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