Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize