do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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