Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
