dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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