Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
